« Humor

8 simple rules for making your colonoscopy funny

by Dan Cash

After years of them pleading, I gave in to my wife and kids and had a colonoscopy done today.  I should have done it 10 years ago, but after having heart surgery in 1996, I was scared to death of what they might find.

When I walked into the waiting room, I was floored. There were at least 20 people waiting their turn for the same procedure. They looked as nervous as I did.  My wife encouraged me to start a conversation with one of them to calm my nerves. After all she said, "You are all here for the same thing". "That's ridiculous", I said. "What the hell am I going to say? Excuse me ma'am, but how far do you think they stick that thing up you?"

Or better yet, "good morning, sir. In preparation for your test, were you able to completely clean out your rectum?" I ignored her question. Finally they called my name. I went up to the desk to check in. The lady asked me for my driver’s license to prove who I am. I didn't think this was necessary. What other schmuck would steal my wallet to have this ungodly procedure done? She also asked me for my insurance card and informed me that my policy only covered part of the procedure.

Watch with my luck I thought, it will only cover that thing going in me, but not coming out. I imagined myself having to go to work the next day with that impediment hanging out. It’s hard enough getting house listings and now this too? They took me into a room and asked me to strip. I laid in bed and waited. The nurse came in and tried to comfort me. "You're 61 and have never had this done? You're probably the oldest first time patient we have ever treated." I was furious with her. I was scared enough without this woman's ominous warnings.

Now it was time to be wheeled into the colonoscopy center. Just then the doctor walked in. Next came that same nurse that had frightened me earlier. With my life in her hands, I was no longer mad at her. We talked and I mentioned to the doctor what a wonderful job his nurse was doing. Just then sadness came over me. I actually started to feel sorry for this woman. What kind of a job is this? The doctor is making $600,000 a year, so I can understand his motivation, but this poor woman has to look in people's butts all day for $18.50 an hour and free parking at the hospital.

They knocked me out and before I knew it, I was awake and it was over.

"No polyps", the doctor said. "Everything is fine." I thanked the doctor and the nurse and entered the lobby. My wife hugged me and two other patients gave me a high five. "How was it?" one guy asked. "Fantastic, I said. I can't wait to do it again. Matter of fact, is there anyway I can borrow your driver’s license for a minute?" 

Written by Steve Cash

By Nephron (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons